Before god i pronounce you husmand and wife
September 1, 2007

I was married one and a half times. The first lucky lady was Jennifer. We almost went through the whole ceremony but when the time came to kiss the bride, I panicked and ran away. I then jumped off the monkey bars and sprained my ankle. This was witnessed by god for it was done behind St. Patrick's on the playground of my Catholic grade school.

The second time was a real marriage when I was 18. By that time I had my fill of the Church and my bride Sinthia had no love of god, so we opted for a civil ceremony. Her Baptist preacher father was quite disappointed. The wedding was, if I may take the liberty, the most unique marriage in the history of Human kind. It was performed on July 4th, in a park, with all the family and friends we could muster. The Justice of the peace came 3 hours late. He forgot about the service because he got hung up at an Irish wake. My Green Beret short fuse father was furious. He denies it, but I remember him waving his .357 Colt Python chrome plated revolver around telling everyone he was going to blow the head off of that Mick McJP. I just turned up the punk rock music and tried to keep the guests over 80 from dieing in the killer heat. But luck is always on my side. The JP finally arrived, drunk, and my dad didn't kill him. He performed and we only had one hiccup during the ceremony. My step aunt stood up and screamed "louder!" He paused and screamed back that if she couldn't hear him she should move "closer!" Well, Sin and I kissed and then hopped on a 1976 Honda Super Sport and road away. I've been a statistical anomaly from the start. After I graduated from culinary school we moved to Key West and had a gay time. I kept my head under the water killing fish and Sin served fish.

I recently was at the Teamsters Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender Caucus website when I read this odd line, "According to recent statistics, the American gay and lesbian population represents close to a 60 billion travel market We do love to travel! Sadly, a staggering number of hotel workers who served us so well are struggling just to make ends meet. Many of them are members of our own LGBT community..." I wonder if I would be considered a member of the LGBT community? After all, sitting on my porch on Truman ave, I could look across the street at Numbers Gay strip club. My friend talked Sin and I into going there for a drink. The naked guys didn't bother me because I'm sure their straidar indicated I wasn't a tipping customer. Though the videos playing on the monitors gave me the he-be-je-bes. At any rate, I was a citizen of one highest per capita gaylebitranian city-states (conk republic) on the planet and I had a difficult time making ends meet serving the LGBT travelers. When I would go snorkeling with one of my gay friends was he a visiting member of my strait community or did I have a gaypass? I don't know. Nonsexual sexuality communities are very confusing.

Recently Mississippi was declared the fattest state in the union. A whooping 30% of the population are clinically obese. They also recently "passed a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman and refuse to recognize same-sex marriages from other states." - wiki. I think there might a correlation between the two facts. New Orleans chocolate mayor knows all about the advantage of a two-edged sword. I don't think that Mississippians are frightened of skinny homosexuals, I think their hate of homos has more to do with the Holy Book. Regardless of whether "gods" scribes got the Manly man in the skies intent correct or not, most Christians and Muslims throughout history have viewed homosexuality as a grotesque crime. It seems a perfectly acceptable position seeing as one of the commandments is to not covet you neighbors wife's ass, not your neighbors "life partner's" vibrator. Marriage and religion have been twisted together for many ages.

When a priest or rabbi performs a wedding they become an agent of the state. That is a clear violation of the separation of Church and State and shouldn't even be debatable. Ironically, nations where homosexuality is punishable by death, most notably Saudi Arabia, The Islamic Republic of Iran and Sudan, marriages aren't a religious event, they're a civil contract. The solution to same sex marriage is simple, sanction the term marriage to religion and let it have no secular meaning. When couples go to Church to be wed they do so to have god witness the ceremony (odd for an omnipresent guy). If homosexuals are upset that religious organizations beliefs are unfair and irrational, it's because they are. Duh. Why would homosexuals want to give their money to an organization that promotes prejudice and prescribed collectivity anyway? Who would have thought that the answer to the problem resides in Secular Heterosexuals taking a hit and giving up the publicly recognized word, marriage. However, anti organized-religion supernaturalists that want to be "married" have the Unitarian Universalist Church, they'll happily marry anyone in the name of (insert deity of choice here).